Mi Corazón

In an effort to live up to the name of my blog, “Geoff Turned Inside Out,” I thought I would show some video of my very own heart from the inside out. The video above is an echocardiogram of my heart taken on 5/26/10. To the right is a diagram of a heart (flipped upside down to show the same view from the video) to help anyone who wants to try to make sense of the video).

On December 8, I will be rocking out with my open-heart surgery out to patch a hole in my heart that has been there since birth. I have what is called a Ventricular Septal Defect (a hole in the wall that separates the left and right ventrical...can you find it in the video?). For those of you who have put your hand on my chest, you have probably felt my squishy heart. The feeling of the squish is some of the blood in my heart going back around for another loop. Apparently, the technical term for the squish is a “thrill,” which ended up being a running joke during a 5 day stay in the amazing Stanford Hospital in California this past spring. I had lots of interns, nurses and doctors coming in to get a “thrill” and listen to my heart, which I am proud to say is a 4-5 on a 5 point thrill scale.

Over the years I have come to love my squishy heart, but it is time for Geoff 2.0, so on December 8 if all goes well, I will wake up with aheart that beats (and I might even have some goretex in there if am lucky!). I will miss my squishy heart, but after getting quite sick this last spring with endocarditis (inflammation in the heart due to a bacterial infection), spending a lovely stay eating organic and local Stanford hospital food and getting amazing care from some of the best nurses and doctors in the world followed by six weeks of chillin’ at home in NJ with a fanny pack full of IV antibiotics constantly pumping through a PICC line (tube in the arm) straight to my heart, I (along with virtually every doctor I have spoken to) thought it was time to get my hole fixed. Because of my hole and recent endocarditis, I am at a higher risk for reinfection unless I get it fixed. Most of you who are reading this probably know all this already, but if you are reading this for the first time, worry not. My summer had a few surprises but it was quite a special summer with so much to be thankful for!

Luckily, open-heart surgery is no big deal these days, and there is an incredibly high survival/success rate (roughly 98-99% for my procedure). I will be getting the procedure done in NY and spend the rest of December and early January recovering and building my strength back with my family in NJ.

I am incredibly excited about the surgery, and even though the risk is not great, I have been using my upcoming surgery as a reminder of impermanence! I have been thinking about my surgery as a death (which by old definitions it will be because my heart will not be beating for 2-3 hours and my blood will be circulating through a bypass machine) and a rebirth (waking up with a newish heart). Imagining that this is my last fall has been beautiful. At first glance, reflecting on death may seem a bit morbid, but I find it to be one of the most inspiring, heart-opening (apparently literally...) and freeing contemplations around. Imagining that this will be my last fallhas been a reminder to be in the moment, to live fully and most of all to be grateful for everything!!

I start my day off with a practice of gratitude and try to carry it with me throughout my day. I call to mind a few things that I am grateful for. Everything softens and I relax, letting a flood of more things to be grateful for come to mind. What a blessing it is just to be alive in this moment, the only moment! I think back on my life and how blessed I have been. It has been a spectacular life! I am humbled and reminded of how interconnected we are to everything else and am just feeling thankful for having been a part of it all, even for a short time.

I hardly feel that way all the time, but more and more when I find myself anxious about something, the thought of gratitude comes and washes it all away. WARNING: Side effects may include unexpected tears of appreciation in public places, especially around small children, puppies, family, friends and natural beauty. It is recommended that a tissue or two be carried at all times.

Well, I am off to the park to watch the sunset and breathe some fresh fall air. I just wanted to let folks know about my heart journey and that I will post a few updates on facebook after the surgery on Dec. 8 to let people know how it went.

I hope you are all having a great fall! In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I want to say that I am thankful for all the moments I have shared with you all, all the laughter and smiles, hugs and dances, all the love and warmth, all the moments when we were just there in the moment together!

Wishing you heart-smiles and belly-laughs as fall turns to winter!

-Geoff

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If this was your last step, how would you step?

If this was your last breath, how would you breathe it?

If this was your last chance to look into the eyes of a loved one, what would you do?